I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. One of those when you lay down you think it will be for just a few soft moments. Then your eyes close and they roll to the back of your head searching for images at the horizon of your unconscious. Next thing you know they start to flicker into place like a projector has been turned on. And next thing you know your running through a town or playing football or whatever it is that you do in your dreams.
It takes me forever to realize that I'm dreaming. There was a time when I could see I was dreaming and then I could control those dreams, start flying or making movies or seduce women with my eyes. But that was a long time ago. *
*I've always found it funny that no one ever talked about being able to control their dreams until after "waking life" came out. It's as if once someone mentioned that we could. We all tried. Collective conscious is what i think that is called, when one member of a species learns to do something and because of the connection he/she has to the CC of that species they all learn to do it. Pretty neat shit.**
Anyway, in this dream I was at a family party, during Halloween which is my families favorite holiday. We're all dressed up and my mom wants to take a family picture. I'm running to get outside before the picture is taken and I see all of the adults lined up in the picture smiling. I yell for them to wait but they take the picture without me and all cheer and shout about how this will be the picture of all of them. All the family at once.
I start yelling and swearing ( a reoccurring theme in my dreams where I'm angry) I shout at my mother who pretends she can't even hear me.
"Why didn't you wait for me" My neck strains as I push my voice as hard as it will go.
"I yelled for you too wait for only two more seconds and I could have been there."
She finally turns and looks at me and very coldly she says " if you were supposed to be there then you would have been there."
I'm so furious I charge at her. I shove my arms at her as hard as I can. Instead of her being thrown I'm pushed back. Some invisible force field reversing all of my energy and throwing it back at me. I fall and land with a thud on my ass.
"Think about that" she says and start pulling out plates for dinner.
On the floor I look up at her, finally realizing that this is a dream. Even in the dream she is untouchable. Completely incorruptible and invincible. Even in my dreams I am still a child.
I wake up balling. By the time I'm done crying I realize I've completely slept through my class which doesn't help things.
I've done some thinking and I realize this dream deals with pretty much what all of these posts have dealt with. I am outside of my own family. I look at my father and his relationship with my brother and I know I never had one like that when I was a kid. My parents have no idea what is going on in my life and I have no idea what is going on in theirs.
This has been my whole life, not at home in my own home. Not comfortable in my own skin. A child in my own dreams. It's a serious problem and I'm not sure how to fix it. Is it too late to become a part of my own family.
Until next time Readers.
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