Chicago's First Sexpo!! Part 1

That's right. I went to the Sex Expo held here in Chicago on Wednesday.
I have a picture of this event, only one picture. I can't post it online because frankly I don't know how to get pics from my phone to my comp, but I will do my best to describe the picture now. Everyone in frame is in silhouette including the crowd, which sifts around the outside of the picture like ghosts, the whole shot made possible by a single white blast of light coming from the direct opposite side of the room as my camera phone. This would have caused a white out effect if it hadn't been for what lies in the center of the frame. Blocking out the main source of light and yet at the same time being bathed in it, are two beautiful, curvy women. The first woman hangs from the rafters of the ceiling, her muscles tight, her back curved, her legs pulled up and wide open hanging on either side. In between those legs is another woman, even in the dark the swell of her breasts is evident. Her face is leaning down towards the woman's crotch with the shadow of a tongue bridging the gap between the two.
Even though this picture was taken on my cellphone, the epic nature of the photograph can not be disputed, it single-handedly captures everything that we would expect sexpo is and should be. It has the perfect balance of dramatic staging, lighting, and a broad sexuality without simply being a picture of a flashed cooze (cause let's admit it, in a picture, the come-and-get me-eyes is always hotter than the exposed vajayjay).
Needless to say I'm pretty proud of this picture.
What makes me even more proud of said photograph is the fact that it in no way represents how the sexpo really was; which if it had to be described in a word that word would be...disappointing.

First it needs to be stated that I paid no money whatsoever for these tickets, I literally stumbled upon them and it was my curiosity that lead me there that night. I understood fully that this would be the only Sexpo I would ever go to, so I saw a chance and I took it. However, like someone brought up under a strong Jesuit education I did my research first. The myspace ad, plus multiple flyers, promised the top strippers, escorts, gentleman's clubs, sex stores and clothes that the city had to offer. A flyer that I found on site promised, FREE full nude, full contact dances where you could and I quote:
"Grab tits and ass and lick whipped cream off of the nipples of the lovely ladies."
Now I am one who loves to exaggerate, my mind likes things to be Big and Loud (thank you darla dimple). And so in my mind I painted a picture I'm sure many of the men reading this blog have already painted for themselves. I saw huge floor room filled with red velvet. I saw Eyes Wide Shut, beautiful women everywhere, walking in outfits pulled from men's dirtiest fantasies: schoolgirls, librarians, Cheerleaders, naughty nurses, cops, judges, vice presidents. Women covered in leather, feathers and masks.
I was expecting to walk into backrooms and see piles of flesh squirming together, stomachs and thighs, and asses and hair tangled with other hair. I expected for the floors to be carpeted making it easy for people to kneel down and go at it wherever they saw fit. I expected the place to smell like vodka, sweat, sex and cigarettes.
These expectations killed me.

When I first arrive at Excalibur, Spike and I give each other a look. We have recognized the fact that this is a party being thrown in a club which hasn't been relevant since the day it first opened. But on the way to the club we pass by beautiful woman after beautiful woman and I don't mean beautiful as in Penthouse beautiful, I mean that I'm wearing a T-shirt and green sweatpants and still look good kind of beautiful. That I don't have to show half my tits to get your attention kind of beautiful. And for some reason I think,
"Well look at all these gorgeous classy ladies, surely they are coming from the Chicago Sexpo."

Needless to say they weren't.

When we get to Excaliber, there is no line, no fuss. A few frat boys in button down striped shirts are out front smoking. Spike and I flash our ids to get in. We stroll through the revolving door to see...absolutely nothing. There is music playing and lights twirling, but the chairs the tables, the couches all of them are empty.
"This is the Sexpo?" I think to myself. But my eyes wander to the top of the stairs, leading to the second floor, A set of stairs I failed to observe because of the overwhelming emptiness of the first floor. A big white sign with big red sinful letters reads: Private event upstairs.
Spike and I rush up the stairs and after getting our hands stamped we are greeted by four half naked women. All but one is a blonde (the brunette is the most attractive) they are wearing white tops that are being stretched to the limit by their breasts and short black shorts which don't cover their asses at all.
"Now this is Sexpo"

To be Continued. ...

Grasping at Straws

Hello blog readers,

It's been about two full days since I have gotten any sleep and about ten hours since I have eaten anything. Too busy to sleep, too broke to eat. I think its funny that this semester was supposed to be when I beefed up and now its looking like this may be the skinniest I'll ever be. I've already lost 10 pounds.

I can feel myself dragging and that is bad. Good news is I haven't worked this creatively in my life. Everything I do is based in either scripts or Improv. It's my first full immersion year with nothing else to occupy my time. The bad part of that is that I am beginning to doubt my ablities as a writer/director/comedian. Its not that I feel as if my work is poor. But I do feel that it isn't great, that the work is average. To be honest, I don't do well with average. I want everything to be the best it can be so that would deep down murder me inside.

Working on this play for pH is exciting as hell. Its so big and so vast and so epic and out there that I don't think anyone is going to be ready for it.....I just fell asleep while writing this...that's embarressing.

Chris

Just a song I relate to in so many ways

"There's not a word yet, for old friends who've just met"


Everytime without a doubt this line makes me cry like a baby. I feel like in a short time I've found my old friends. Jim Henson always knew how to tug at the heart strings of a young chris edwards. It would seem 22 year old chris is no different.

New Favorite thing: Free to be You and Me made in 76'

Yeah that's Alan Alda!



Yeah that's Michael Jackson!



Yeah that's harry belefonte!

Yes it is awesome!

What Am I doing with my Life

I will take a moment out of our normal short story schedule to just do a quick post of what it is that I have going on this semester.

1. I am Asst. Coaching the new UIC pHarm Team with Sally Anderson
2. I am Directing the new pH skech show
3. I am Asst. Producing the College Improv Tournament this week (today actually) I have to contact 30 different college improv teams.
4. Re-cast and remember The Guy Show which will be going up at sketchfest.
5. Film the Sketchfest Documentary.
6. Go to School, I only have classes on Monday and Tuesday tho.
7. Get a job so that I can pay off my debts and raise some serious cash.
8. Do pH shows every friday and Saturday.
9. Go to LA by March.
10. Get my shit together.

This is my life right now. It's hectic but it's busy. I guess it means that people out there like what I do. Which is awesome.

Here is a quote I heard today...
You know what, we are all beautiful and unique snowflakes. But in a blizzard who gives a fuck.

What Dreams May Come

Hello readers,  Today I'm a little bit dazed because I slept through a class of mine. Worst part is it's my favorite class with my favorite teacher. But my brain was caught up in a terrible dream and once I'm in them  I can't get out. 

I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. One of those when you lay down you think it will be for just a few soft moments. Then your eyes close and they roll to the back of your head searching for images at the horizon of your unconscious. Next thing you know they start to flicker into place like a projector has been turned on. And next thing you know your running through a town or playing football or whatever it is that you do in your dreams. 

It takes me forever to realize that I'm dreaming. There was a time when I could see I was dreaming and then I could control those dreams, start flying or making movies or seduce women with my eyes. But that was a long time ago. *

*I've always found it funny that no one ever talked about being able to control their dreams until after "waking life" came out. It's as if once someone mentioned that we could. We all tried. Collective conscious is what i think that is called, when one member of a species learns to do something and because of the connection he/she has to the CC of that species they all learn to do it. Pretty neat shit.** 

Anyway, in this dream I was at a family party, during Halloween which is my families favorite holiday. We're all dressed up and my mom wants to take a family picture. I'm running to get outside before the picture is taken and I see all of the adults lined up in the picture smiling. I yell for them to wait but they take the picture without me and all cheer and shout about how this will be the picture of all of them. All the family at once. 

I start yelling and swearing ( a reoccurring theme in my dreams where I'm angry) I shout at my mother who pretends she can't even hear me. 

"Why didn't you wait for me" My neck strains as I push my voice as hard as it will go.

"I yelled for you too wait for only two more seconds and I could have been there."

She finally turns and looks at me and very coldly she says " if you were supposed to be there then you would have been there."

I'm so furious I charge at her. I shove my arms at her as hard as I can. Instead of her being thrown I'm pushed back. Some invisible force field reversing all of my energy and throwing it back at me. I fall and land with a thud on my ass. 

"Think about that" she says and start pulling out plates for dinner. 

On the floor I look up at her, finally realizing that this is a dream. Even in the dream she is untouchable. Completely incorruptible and invincible. Even in my dreams I am still a child. 

I wake up balling. By the time I'm done crying I realize I've completely slept through my class which doesn't help things. 

I've done some thinking and I realize this dream deals with pretty much what all of these posts have dealt with. I am outside of my own family. I look at my father and his relationship with my brother and I know I never had one like that when I was a kid.  My parents have no idea what is going on in my life and I have no idea what is going on in theirs.

 This has been my whole life, not at home in my own home. Not comfortable in my own skin. A child in my own dreams.  It's a serious problem and I'm not sure how to fix it. Is it too late to become a part of my own family. 

Until next time Readers. 

Haven't Posted in Awhile

It's true I will admit it I'm being lazy. But for the two other people that read this I promise you are about to get alot more of Chris Edwards! Yay!

Anyway, as a treat to those who still randomly check this blog here is a song. I've been listening to this pretty much on repeat since yesterday. If you see me with earphones in my ears this is what i'm listening too...yeah, cause I'm boring like that.

I won't lie. This song makes me think of someone. Not that it matters.